~ I Lay My Regrets to Rest ~
~ For I See Them Now Hiding In The Shadows ~
~ I Tell Myself I Will Write This On My Soul ~
~ If you are going to be ~
~ Be Fearless ~
As you read this please know any red text you see are the places where I have made gains. Discovered ways to help myself. I keep adding to this page in red as I do.
I can tell you I like hiding. That was one of the most difficult things I had to learn while handling Jedi. There was no blending into the background, nope, we are BIG energy. Like Jedi having difficulty understanding dogs motives, I have the same issues with people.(*After thought or AUH HA ormoment => Wonder which came first here right? Looks like I may have been involved, possibly giving Jedi bad information about approaching people and dogs?? Good thing Jedi has decided to keep me.) This may sound delusional, but often times it feels like people will tell you one thing, but they mean or do something else. <= This is why I think I am better with dogs, body language and pressure, I get that.
Working on why I sometimes perceive things in such a peculiar way. *After thought…HOLY => Here is where I am with this now. I believe LACK OF INFORMATION FROM MY LEADERS may have been involved. LOL! Oh dog training, you are so sly. Yes, no real feedback regarding what I did right or what I did wrong. Yes, right OR wrong, I am learning they go together. There has to be balance to know which is which. I have to make sure Jedi understands the difference. It wasn’t until I realized this that we started to become successful.
It is the nuances of interpretation, no one is to blame for how you each expressed yourself if things get misconstrued along the way. Right now at this moment, we have the power to change this within us. Even though previously it has left me with uneasy feelings and I have been guilty of using some of Jedi’s techniques, to get people I feel are a threat, away from me. We need to stop freezing ourselves in the broken moments. We need to see life is pliable, we can change.
If you feel like I am keeping you an arms length away, it is probably because I am. It’s out of fear. I have been working on this. By being aware of it, I can try to catch the programming I play back to myself. I am just beginning to catch some of my negative play back. Hoping to make gains here soon!
It is my battle against myself, that you may find yourself caught up in.
Many misunderstandings have affected my self-esteem…let’s just say, I resist the idea that I am not only at the bottom of the barrel, I am under the barrel. Deep down, in the comfort of darkness, where I feel safe.
I fight the good fight and can really say I feel like I am getting braver.
I have started to peek out of my hiding place, the sun sure feels good on my face.
I realized I oppressed myself, because it kept me from trying and failing. An unintended consequence of what I learned early on in life, mistakes are failure.
Growing up, my support system believed in the idea, if you cannot do it right, don’t even try.
Playing thoughts over and over in your head, trying to figure out what you believe you were supposed to do. What you did wrong, how dumb you believe you were perceived as being, is a trap. I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE YOU, THEY DID NOT SEE THE EVENT AS YOU DID!
I try to help people; I try to make them feel good, I try desperately to connect with the people who keep themselves at a distance. I always give complements; I go the extra mile for everyone. I always have kind words; I always look for the bright side for others, to reflect back at them. I always put myself last, but I especially do not want people to have the same things floating around in their heads, as I have in mine.
I realized, by trying to figure out what is going wrong or how to fix it, I ended up listening
to the negatives. What went wrong, what did I do wrong. However, I am trying to stop seeing negativity and attempting to focus on the positive, it seems to be changing my brain and perceptions.
No one could have simply just told me to stop this. The thing I love the most about the journeys we take with our dogs, is it slowly brings us to new realizations. Sometimes it is difficult to change for yourself, but you may have the desire to change in order to improve relationships…doggies, children, family or lovers. In the end, we must still come to peace with ourselves.
I believe in Karma. That is the totality of your actions and your thoughts, come back to you. I liken it to the force in Star Wars. I can directly affect the energy balance transmitted throughout the universe, by whatever it is that animates us, connections us <= that is God. God is thing or energy that intertwines all souls. Not a man in the sky, that I learned about at my tiny parochial school.
A friend once described what a higher power meant to her. She said it is like a life experience, that moves you so much, it can make you cry. For instance experiencing a beautiful sunset. Another way I explain it, is the feeling/energy you have right in the middle of your chest, when you hug someone you care about.
I feel so calm and at peace when I train dogs. It puts you in touch with that energy. Dogs are real, they don’t have hidden agendas. They tell you what they are feeling in each moment. I believe tuning into dogs helps you become better at tuning into yourself. That begins to help you discover your truth. You cannot be more in the moment or united with your true self. Being out of tune with yourself, can show up in your dog.
I feel when you truly communicate with an animal, you become enlightened.
I try not to think negative thoughts. It’s not easy! I figured something out by accident, how this positive thinking works. It was during a loooooooooooong, crushing struggle with infertility, where my best coping skill was constantly telling myself I would be a terrible mother. It’s Gods will, because I am a horrible person. Good try brain, you are so creative, but we are going to try something new!
After years of living in a deep depression, when I came out on the other side, I became very, very silly. Please know this, because I joke around a lot in my blogs. You can thoroughly blame this on infertility. I did not want to be serious for many years afterwards. It stuck and now I can’t help it. I will blog about my infertility experience some day, I learned a lot from it. And against tremendous infertility divorce odds, I am still happily married.
Trying to figure out your life’s plan and who you are down to the core of your existence, are very difficult things.
The main reason I try to only think positive is so I know I am listening to my true conscious thoughts, being in the moment. Not listening to the ones that try to sabotage me. That is how I keep them at bay. If I hear negative things, I remind myself that is not me. I want to bring fourth only good karma. It quiets the negative that tries so hard to dominate me.
I have a few other things I would like to blog about. Nature vs. nurture is huge for me. I have a strong line of negative thought patterns, depression, fear and anxiety running in my family.
Nurture enhanced my struggles. My leaders were unsuccessful in escaping their own negative thought patterns. They never realized they had a choice in how they respond to things that happen to them. It is difficult to even recognize, let alone change the deeply ingrained negative patterns, when both nature and nurture are stacked against you.
It has been so interesting to watch my brother’s and sister’s children, who seem to have the similar struggles. Again, nurture is definitely at play, but there is a whole other life perspective involved. They have another parent, with another set of views, yet the kids have so many of the tendencies I mentioned above.
How much does nature play in how you perceived the world? As I am learning, it may be bigger than you. FIGURING IT OUT, THAT IS A MILLION DOLLAR PROCESS!
It is very difficult to hear what others are telling you, until you can get past yourself.
I am not very good with conflict. This is why I believe I became a bit reactive. My family never had any conflict. I know you are thinking “What the hell, not possible”. We would chew off our arm to avoid conflict. I believe, it had to do with shame and self worth, if you felt something was your fault. It was difficult saying sorry, because it meant you were somehow a bad person. We had the power and beauty of being sorry, all jumbled up. When conflict did arise, we would just roll it into a tiny ball and bury it deep, deep down inside. Healthy? NO!
It has been a long process, learning how to be calm and have healthy discussions. Thanks to my reactive dog, I have learned to stand in the presence of of earth shattering, ear ringing, cell shaking chaos. Just like a reactive person needs, I remain calm for him. I understand his brain is out of control, he needs me to guide him out of the situation and calm him down. I take the wheel. Sometimes we go back and try again. Sometimes he just can’t handle it. I completely understand, he is fighting the good fight. He tries for me and I try for him. There is a connection of understanding, that cannot be merely explained in words.
I love my family. We have been able to move past some of our struggles, together. I don’t blame my leaders for my insecurities, they don’t hold that power. I do. I know their reasons, they had their own struggles. I know it doesn’t matter what has happened in the past, because I am living in the present. Yet, I am still finding the gifts they left behind for me!
I feel very blessed to have a huge amount of stubbornness. I don’t feel good about my writing, but somehow I just keep going. I truly want to rid the world of misunderstandings. I want people to be the best they can be, even if they are perceived as strange or odd. Often times, my perspective is a bit unusual compared to many people I know. I feel like I am a bit different, maybe an outsider. Somehow, I am slowly coming out of my deep dark cave…it’s scary!!! I keep trying though.
What has really helped me the most was finally cementing the answer to this question into my consciousness, “Is life simply happening to us or are we active participants with choices?” I recently read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life” by Mark Manson. The biggest takeaway for me was the story told about William James. He answered this question for himself and his entire life changed. I highly recommend this book.
One last factoid: I have written thousands of responses, then deleted them…then I re-write them, ask my husband if they sound OK, then delete them no matter his opinion…then I re-write them, only to delete them once more. I fear you may misunderstand me, as I learn how to use my tiny voice in this big world. I call this “Tweet & Delete Syndrome”. I am currently in recovery.
When I depart from this earth, I leave you nothing. On my honor, I will give you the best of me while I am here.